chasing dreams and snoozing

Licking wounds and curving into self

the 6am alarm sounds off across my phone - the same sound i’ve been pulled out of sleep for the last seven months

instinctively I press snooze, praying those extra nine minutes in bed, dozing is gonna give me the rocket fuel I need to meet the day - this time i know it’s not gonna cut it.

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last year ended with an application rejection, and this year started with an application rejection. much needed public funding for outdoor interventions with people of the global majority was not coming through. maybe I put all my eggs in one (or two baskets) and it didn’t pay off. but i was determined to make a go of it. Earth Sea Love was a newly developed social enterprise. we just needed to increase our exposure.

i spent weeks sorting out another application, and got shortlisted for interview. this was funding to develop the social enterprise, try out some new activities and train up some more black women leaders. this felt promising this time as it was a funding pot especially for marginalised companies. this interview experience seemed to go okay. i started with whole premise of Earth Sea Love - which is plainly within it’s name - LOVE. our love of nature, our love of ourselves and each other. interdependence. i suppose I should have sensed something wasn't right when one panelist said they didn't understand what we did, that we just walked!

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end of last month, my application was rejected because they couldn't see the financial sustainability of the venture. they couldn’t see a viable plan to bring earned income beyond grant funding therefore this could risk the potential impact of the company.

i allow myself time and space to sit with this decision. allow a fresh wave of disappointment and frustration to invade my being. even allow some hopelessness to creep in and throw up the question, what’s the point?

i’m tired. after a few major life changes in a couple of months, the slightest knock throws me into a tailwind. into a spiral of grief and grievance.

so what now? what to do next? i’m taking a rest. i’m going back to the drawing board. it’s really difficult trying to create a new world while meshed within the old world.

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Earth Sea Love is never about the money, never has been. but it needs money to do what it does. but it refuses to lose it’s integrity to get said money. we serve people of the global majority within nature and are free to access. we do not run for profit or self-gain. we do not run to figures and statistics or targets. we run for ‘thank you, I needn’t this walk today,’ and ‘I feel so much better now, lighter’.

i leave this reflection with this: i could see it as fighting a losing battle within a capitalist system, attempting to create something not geared toward exploitation, extraction or profit. or i could keep on attemping to live and work and create on my own terms.

i know which one i’ll be leaning into once i get up and at ‘em after my nine minute snooze.